When faced with the question "who have been the biggest influences in your life," I realized that all of them that I could come up with have been the significant men in my life. Is it possible that the shortcomings that have led me down rabbit holes and into despair have been due to the fact that I put too much emphasis on being influenced by the men, and not enough on being influenced by women?
As I try and think about it, I have a hard time coming up with very many female role models in my life (apart from the obvious - mom, of course you are the exception). All of my heroes have always been men, starting and ending of course with my big brother. When I was a kid, the people I strove to be in games and wanted to be when I grew up were all men - Indiana Jones; the brothers Hanson (make fun of me all you want, I really don't care); Beethoven... as I grew older and started having real ambitions beyond pipe dreams and make-believe, my heroes were still men.
Dead rock stars topped the list of people who inspired me musically and fashion-wise (one need only remember the bright red leather pants or the blue suede shirt with billowing sleeves to see how I was trying to be Freddie Mercury, once I discovered him). Female rock stars never appealed to me. None of their voices, apart from Joan Jett, really had that edge that I so desperately wanted and so blatantly lack. Apart from Veruca Salt, no women played rock guitar. Female rock stars were all actually pop stars or folk singers. There's a time and a place for that, as well, but I never idolized them as much as I did their male counterparts.
Writers seem to be the same. I fell in love with the poet E. A. Robinson and his good friend Robert Frost, finding Sylvia Plath boring. The writers who have influenced me and made me want to write have all been male as far as I can remember.
And then there's the movie characters I'd relate with the most. Always men. When asked which female movie character I would most like to be, I come up staggeringly short. I cannot relate with female film characters. While I'm sure feminist film critics would argue that that's because Hollywood only creates one-dimensional females who have no depth of character, that actually isn't the case anymore. Women in movies represent a vast range of types, especially when you start to look at independent movies. But if asked what movie character I would most like to be, it would be Loki, or Jeremiah Johnson, or Russell from Almost Famous.
Of course, it's increasingly common for women to fall into this same pattern of tomboyish tendencies, especially the women that I associate with. But so many of these types turn out to be independent and strong, as influenced by the independent, strong women in pop culture and their lives that help them become the well-adjusted and good-head-on-your-shoulders types that they are. I'm starting to think that, although the man who influenced me the most, my brother, has been a positive influence, most of them haven't. I'm starting to figure things out a little bit...
When I look back at people who have come and gone in and out of my life, the ones who have had the most dramatic effects have been the men who have done me wrong. Maybe that's why I live with the mindset that I do. All the control in who I've become has been placed in the hands of people that I shouldn't have given it to in the first place. Instead of giving that influence to the women I aspire to be, I give it to the men I aspire to be with.
And that's certainly been the story of my life in Alaska, as well as Albany. Come to think of it, I remember a very depressed and indignant few years of high school after my first romance fell to pieces after a year. And maybe that's why I've always had mostly male friends - I'd rather be surrounded by men who can validate or shit all over my self-worth as opposed to women who can't generally give me the type of attention that I look for.
But (since my blog is ostensibly about my winters in Alaska, I should bring my 3 AM stream of consciousness around to that, I guess) there've been a lot of women I've come to know in Skagway that, as I start to look forward instead of backward for the first time in my life, I would really like to be more like in so many ways. I see women around me who, whether they're in relationships or not, don't define themselves entirely by the men they're involved with. I see women who have families but who haven't lost themselves or their sense of identity to those conventional units. I see women who run businesses and have successful careers, even small-town careers. More than all that, I see women who are single and not afraid to be, not just looking for the next potential Prince Charming to save them from themselves.
All of the pivotal moments in my life can be directly attributed to one man or another. Even my journey to Alaska in May of 2007 was spawned by the guitarist that made me feel so trapped in Albany that I couldn't breathe.
But I'd like to think that my outlook can still change. My Skagway adventure began with a ferry ride from Juneau. At the ferry terminal in Juneau, as I stood eagerly awaiting what epic tales may lie ahead in the story of my life, I met my first Skagway girlfriend. She's still in my life, and, now that I think about it, one of my pivotal Skagway in winter moments came when she had to be medevacced out of town a few Decembers ago and I thought I might lose her. I don't know when I've ever been so scared.
Two summers ago, two of my girlfriends and I embarked on our first Slow Girls adventure - so named for the fact that we all hike slower than most and have no qualms about that. We conquered the Chilkoot together and, through cracking knees and bruised hips, were unstoppable. Slow Girls has become an institution as we go on as many adventures as possible, with misadventures ranging from porcupines to bear poles.
A few summers ago, while I was smoking with a male friend on the deck at the Brewco, a girl came up and started complimenting my friend. I inwardly rolled my eyes, thinking "Wow, look, another girl who's into Jim." As it turns out, the woman in question was not just another girl who was into one of my friends, but my future BFF (and, just because I have to mention it again, Jim's future wife).
The women I have come to be friends with in Skagway have been there in the darkest moments and in the most elated. When I was offered my first year-round job in Skagway this summer, before I was allowed to tell anyone, I got a bottle of champagne and celebrated with one of my girlfriends, the first local I told, and the first person I celebrated with. When Stimee died, the first person who came running to my aid was one of my girlfriends, who came to sit and wait for the police with me, and then went out to lunch with me. Whenever I have needed to go out and drink for celebration's sake or to drown my sorrows, I have been able to rely on my team of female comerades to accompany me. They're the ones who will cheers with me and they're the ones who will let me vent.
Since May my life has been through a lot of twists and turns I couldn't have possibly foreseen a year ago. My consciousness and mindset have been through the ringer and are still in the process of attempting to come out on top. My mind has rolled through a million different changes, and I've pondered how to become a better, happier person. I think tonight I came to the realization that allowing myself to be solely influenced by the men in my life has been to my detriment; I am surrounded by enough women with traits I wish I had that I should give them some of the power.
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